2010.....what to say, what to say

 ^7-9If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That's to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power with us. As it is, there's not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we're not much to look at. We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken. What they did to Jesus, they do to us—trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us—he lives! Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus' sake, which makes Jesus' life all the more evident in us. While we're going through the worst, you're getting in on the best! (2 Corinthians 4:7-9, The Message)

This year, 2010, has been one heck of a year for me. So many ups and downs, although truth be told, more downs than ups. It started off so-so, with my having come off the incredibly disappointing and heartbreaking knowledge that a friend was not truly a friend, and probably never was. Guess I just really wanted to feel like I had someone I could relate to about things and enjoy their company and conversation that I overlooked things that should have been warning signals to me. I have a horrible habit of doing that sometimes. Generally I'm very good with my intuition kicking in and sending all sorts of signals quickly, but not in this instance (and a few more I can remember from years past). That took a huge toll on me and set me back emotionally for the better part of 2010.

Then came the realization that I take on things I really don't want to do and I even allow myself to be shot in the foot about these things by not really pricing myself (photography services for you with minds in other areas) where I should and being able to stick to my guns on what my time and effort is worth. I allow friendships to jade my better judgment which ultimately does a tremendous disservice to me financially and really, professionally. It's not that I don't want to do some of the sessions that I do, it's more that I end up not being thrilled about them when I have given a "break" to a friend just because. With all the time, energy and effort that goes into the behind the scenes portion of what I do once the camera stops clicking (and to be honest, even before it begins to click), I get a bit disappointed that I've allowed myself to feel as if I MUST discount for certain people who in turn relay that same message to others. Why would they want to pay a higher price for anything I do?

Ah ha...just came up with a resolution for 2011: Business Manager/Financial Officer with grit and guts, no holds barred, friendship or not...this is what the price is, take it or leave it. I know the perfect person to handle this.

Now, I'm at a place where on some levels, I'm happy with what's taking place and others I'm just kinda blah about them. So much has happened and changed for me in 2010, but I can't really share the parts I want to share with others for very specific reasons. I wish it weren't that way, but it is and that does get to me quite often. I've been working hard to deal with my depression and focus on the good things that I have in my life, not take them for granted. When setbacks pop up, and with 3 kids...many financial setbacks have surfaced this year (one literally just happened and it's a doozy, a very costly doozy too). But, I'm not going to allow any of that to keep too much company in my thoughts because it does no good to dwell on that which can't be changed or taken back. Just take care of it, move on and don't look back.

Our eyes are in front of us for a reason, to look ahead to what God has in store for us and to focus on doing what is necessary to be able to receive what He has in store. Met a wonderful, wise lady 2 days before Christmas and she literally was God speaking to me through her about what I HAVE to do in order to truly be worthy of receiving the many abundant blessings He's been wanting to give me. It's my inactivity that has been the hindrance all along, my fear of what may happen if I do this, my lack of faith in both God and myself that has held me back for far too long now. She gave me a daily prayer, request almost, to speak to God to start my day off. I've done pretty good with it so far, although I've missed the mark a few mornings and have had to say it at the point it popped into my head. She said she asks God daily to empty her spirit and refill it anew with a fresh dose of His Spirit so that she can be all that He desires of her daily; guarding her thoughts, words, actions...giving her the appropriate armor to keep at bay that which tries to distract us from being the good, loving children of Christ he crafted us to be,
right there on his potter's wheel.