It's been more than a month since I posted something here. Doesn't mean I haven't had a need to post, I most certainly did and do. Just haven't taken the time to actually do it. I need to now, for real. I'm having feelings of uncertainty and doubt, struggling with trust and worrying that my heart is going to be ripped to shreds again. By now, at the age that I am, one would think I'd learned so much and accumulated enough skin to weather things that scare me to death, but I haven't. That scares me just as much as having my heart torn apart.
Two years ago, I vowed to never allow my heart to lead me again. It's too painful to allow someone to get inside the wall of protection that is around my heart. Now, I find myself taking a trip down that very same roadway. I tried not to. I really did. It was just suppose to be two souls being there for one another. The more I was there, the more my heart betrayed me. The heart can't be trusted to follow the same guidelines that the hard head has established. My head was screaming at my heart telling it to not, DO NOT, read more into what is happening. My inner voice was saying that I'd gone in with my eyes wide open, yet my inner heart, which I thought was hidden deep under so many layers of "clothing" and "skin", was saying you can't fight what's beginning to happen, so don't try.
So now, I sit here...alone, praying that how I feel is reciprocated. Not sure why I can't just be in the moment. Enjoy each day for what it promises. Perhaps because most promises made to me have been broken in some manner or another. This feeling has me crippled beyond imagination. It's pretty depressing. Even more depressing is I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I'm hearing the words to the Celine Dion song, 'All By Myself', play over and over again in my head. When I was younger, I didn't cultivate lasting friendships, and now I don't know how. Every friend I've trusted has disappointed me. Trust isn't one of my strongest suits, and it seems the older I get, the worse it gets. It's like I have a curse on me that makes people take me for granted and take advantage of me. I give my all and get very little in return.
Tired...lonely, confused, sad...time for bed. The tears are coming, sleep takes them away, even if it's only for a short time.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Listen to AndiVanPhotogs Playlist
Andi WOW!
ReplyDeleteDo I know this feeling... I know what how hard it is to trust when your heart has been ripped from your chest. I started caring for someone too and look how that ended up. Him engaged to someone else, BUT He helped me in so many ways. I learned that I can still feel that way about someone. Plus not everyone who comes into our lives are meant to stay. So my advice to you is simple enjoy this time with him and don't analyze it just live for the moment and make every moment count. We may get hurt again if we open ourselves up but I would rather get hurt again than to never experience that breathtaking, heart pounding, feeling called love…
Love Ya Girl!
Hey Glenda,
ReplyDeleteYou know you have been my inspiration since I met you. Reading your blog has been my solace. It encourages me in so many ways and your counsel to me on this post is so what I needed to read today. You are correct, I need to enjoy each day with my special someone and be thankful for what we do share. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us..I'm learning that. I can't keep trying to see so far ahead for my heart's sake. I need to just open my eyes to what's right in front of me and whatever that leads to, be grateful for the reason, season or lifetime lesson it teaches me.
I love you so much and thank God, again, for allowing our life-paths to cross. You are an angel. Hug Kelly and Laurie for me. Miss all of you terribly.