A Glimpse Inside....

Casting Crowns - Does Anybody Hear Her

Every time I hear this song, I have to fight off the tears. The words alone are ones that seem to sum up the whole of my being. I'd never actually seen the video until today as I sit in my bed recovering from an illness that took me down quick. Again, I'm holding back the tears, but only because my kids are home, along with 2 other kids I seem to have unofficially adopted. 

It seems to me for every step I attempt to take forward, I'm actually going ten times that many backwards. I guess the biggest difference between the girl in the video and me, the woman typing these words, is that I do have a church home that I like going to. For the past few months, however, it just seems like I'm just there. I don't feel like I'm where I should be for some reason. I feel lost. Some Sundays, I don't even have the desire within me to get up and go; like the young girl in the video, running from something that seems to be haunting me like the mention in the words of the song of seeking love and affection at home, but not getting it. I've heard the words, but when I saw the words in visual form, that was me as a child, and apparently still today. 

I feel as if I've always had to fight to try to get the love of those who should have loved me from the beginning, like I have to over-compensate in other ways to get the feeling that there is love from my family. It's not that way at all with my boys, I can definitely see and feel the love they have for me (well, except for the fact that they went to PCB earlier this month and I got not one souvenir out of the trip from any of them). 

My world is lonely, I'm in it all by myself for the most part. By that I mean, I don't really have a closeness to anyone, other than my kids. Even my own mother seems to have an agenda when it comes to dishing out her maternal love towards me. For the past 2-3 weeks, she's barely said one word to me, this week she just began saying "Good Morning" as she quickly passes by me. She's come home everyday for nearly 3 weeks and closed herself up in her room and not had any contact with the rest of the family, her very own grandchildren included. She did come to me last week to let me know that she was making arrangements/plans to move out. Wow! All this over a decision I made to allow another child that pretty much has nowhere to go, to stay here for a little while until he can get himself on his feet. He's not a stranger, he's a friend of my oldest son, was put out of his own home by a stepfather that apparently doesn't like him very much. Personally, though, as a mother, I could never allow someone to put my child out of the house we all call home unless my child was being physically abusive to me, doing drugs and stealing things to support that habit, or was abusing alcohol and out of control. Even then, I'd make every effort to get my child help as opposed to simply allowing my child to be put out on the street with no other options but to try to make it on their own. I realize 18yrs old is when a child should be showing some signs of responsibility and accountability, but you can't just put them out, that's when they may get into trouble that may do more harm. That's not a lesson being taught other than bullying to me. 

I guess I have and have had a very different interpretation of what the word "family" means. I've never really felt a part of my own family, except when I lived in Ohio where my maternal grandmother and other family members also live. There were never feelings of not being loved when I was there, even during the rough spots in my marriage, that family unit embraced me and made me feel as if I had some value, not because they wanted something out of me to give me that feeling, but because they genuinely knew how to show family love, it may be tough love, but it was still love that allowed me to feel that it was sincere and had my best interest at the root of that love. 

So, I guess until I can find that kind of family love again at some point in my life, I'll continue to run, fade away, be lonely and lost. Going a hundred miles an hour, in the wrong direction.